11 posts tagged “dan”

Today makes 13 weeks since Dan died.  I miss him so much it's often unbearable.  I don't know how I am functioning at all sometimes.  I keep getting hit on by men, and I find it so repellant.  I'm just not ready to even consider dating again (who would be this soon?).  I can't imagine ever loving anyone like I loved Dan...like I love Dan.  I see or hear things everyday that remind me of him, often more than once a day.  Sometimes I want him out of my head because it's so painful, but then, I don't want to forget him either....He was my Blackbird....

I have gotten almost everything I need to get done before school starts.  I am discovering that medical schools want you to jump through many more hoops that a regular university.  I hope I haven't left anything out.

My old friend from college, Ace, has invited me to Columbia this weekend to meet his girlfriend and hear his band play.  I haven't seen him in 12 years, but we've remained in contact all this time.  I think I am going to go.  I do have things I should be doing here, but I think it would be really good for me to have an adventure this weekend.  Weekends are hard for me since Dan died - I'd mostly rather skip them.  He died on a Sunday, and just the day before is when we had our now infamous trip to New Orleans.  I find I do a lot better on the weekends if I am around people and stay busy.

Today, I am having some tummy issues and I have a headache.  I'm just sticking close to the apartment for now.  I put a load of laundry in so I can take some of the clothes I want to Columbia if I end up going.  My Netflix movies arrived so maybe it's a good sofa day.

Well, I am almost unpacked.  I just have part of my bathroom and all of my clothes left to do.  Then I need to decide where to hang my pictures and paintings.  I must finish this week because I am slammed busy next week. 

I am still trying to come to terms with this apartment not having a dishwasher.  Dishes are my least favorite household chore.  Seriously, I'd rather clean the toilet with a toothbrush than go near a dirty dish.  Dan was supposed to handle the cooking and dishes here in Augusta (and I was going to handle the laundry and cleaning).  Seemed like a fair trade off to me.  Now, evey time I have to wash a dish by hand, I'm going to think about that.  I miss him a lot today.

What are the 5 words that best describe your life right now?
Question submitted by mojito.

Transitioning - My life has changed so much in the last 10 weeks.  My soulmate died unexpectedly, and I moved across state to attend school again in order to make a complete career change.  I have no clue where these roads will eventually lead me, but, as they say, that is the journey.

Exciting - This is a new chapter of my life.  I am excited about my new apartment, starting school, and meeting new people.

Emotional - Dan died 10 weeks ago today.  I miss him so much, and I think of him every day.  It's hard to think of how he died and wonder if he was scared or if he suffered.  It's also hard to move forward with my future plans without him.  They had been our plans, and now I'm going it alone.

Exhausting - With not very much sleep, I've had to keep moving through several major life changes/crisis.  Even though many times I felt like hitting the brakes, I'm still moving.

Indulgent - Because I lost 10 lbs from grief after Dan died, I am able to get away with eating whatever I want for the time being.  I'd forgotten what that was like!

What is your current computer desktop image? Let's see it!

This is my desktop photo.  Dan took the picture this past winter.  I added the text.  My term of endearment for him was "Blackbird", and even though those are not actual blackbirds in the picture, I think it really works well for the theme anyway.  I could have used a stock photo of a blackbird if I wanted to be authentic, but I really wanted to use one Dan took for sentimental reasons.

Saying goodbye to my friends has been harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Dan's death has made saying goodbye to anyone unbearable.  I have cried on and off all day.  I've moved away before, but that was before Dan's death.  Normally, I am fiercly independent, but now I'm scared of lonliness.  I miss Dan so much, and I miss my friends and I haven't even left town yet.  Ugh, I don't know how I am going to get through this....

Well, I've had a weekend full of not going to bed before 4am.  I'm seriously too old for this.  It's been fun though.  I'm really going to miss everyone when I move in a few days. 

It's been 9 weeks since Dan died, and it still just doesn't feel as if that much time has passed.  I guess it never will.  I miss him so much the pain is almost tangible.

Brooke left this morning to move back to Michigan.  I miss her already.  I can't believe I won't be able to just drive over and see her anymore.  I need to get her in touch with some of my Detroit friends.  I think she'd really like some of them a great deal.  It's too bad she never got to meet Dan...

I can't believe how much I still have to do before I move in 3 days.  I've been procrastinating something feirce.  It's so hard to move on sometimes.  I think that while I am excited about my move and starting MCG, I'm still so aware that I am going without Dan.  He was supposed to be here too.  Even though he's gone, I guess I still feel as though I am leaving him behind...

I have been informed that I will be getting a wake up call in the morning to get pedicures.  So it looks like I will be getting my feet prettyfied with Brooke and Annie.  Later tomorrow night I will be attending a party to celebrate Brooke and Madison's birthdays which both happened to be this past Wednesday.  I intend to have fun and not feel guilty about it.  It's amazing how guilty you feel if you have any sort of fun or humor in the aftermath of the death of a loved one.

Some of you who read my syndicated feed already know that my mother asked me if Dan and I had gotten married before he died.  It was so bizarre.  She had really talked herself into thinking that he and I married while I was visiting him in Mississippi and I decided not to tell anyone after he died.  I'm not sure how anyone who knows me would ever imagine that I would elope or marry in secret - not that there is anything wrong with doing that, it just isn't me.  She asked so out of the blue too.  "Hi, how are you; did you and Dan get married???"  Soooo odd.  I thought it was kind of cute and amusing though.

What was the highlight of this past weekend?

I'm not a huge fan of weekends anymore since Dan died.  I can pick highlights though, I suppose.  I enjoyed the little psychological question game that we played at the party Friday night.  That was certainly good for some laughs. Too bad it can only be played once with the same group.  I also enjoyed going out for sushi last night.  It had been a couple of months since I'd had sushi.

Days to get through

1. June 18th - my birthday
2. July 5th - Dan's birthday
3. October - When he would have moved to Georgia
4. Thanksgiving - he was going to spend it with me and my family in the mountains
5. Christmas - he was going to spend it with me and my family
6. December 27th - would have been our anniversary
7. February 18th, 2007 - would have been due date
8. May 28th, 2007 - 1 year since his death

I'm certain I'm fogetting some....